I’m sitting on my couch with a blanket on my lap and my dog sleeping next to me. I have about an hour of quiet time this morning. Maybe. If my kids don’t come find me for God-only-knows-what-reason. I can’t stop trembling. It’s 9am in the morning, and already I’m overwhelmed. I have so many reviews to write, that I want to write, that I’ve promised to write. But something has shifted this past week, and my brain refuses to work. I keep making mistakes, misspelling words, forgetting basic grammar. I write and can barely process any of it. Everything is gobbledygook in my head.
Guys, what the fuck is happening, you know? What the fuck? Every week, it’s something even more crazy, and I think my body is on strike. It’s not just the political stuff, though that’s a lot of it. It’s remote learning and frazzled teachers and clueless school boards. It’s neighbors not wearing masks. It’s all the fighting—truly, I feel like I can’t read anything online anymore. It’s seeing family get sick and friends lose jobs. It’s witnessing other people at their breaking points, acting like wild animals, lashing out because of their own pain. It’s empathizing with them…and hating them anyway. It’s being disappointed in myself for carrying around this rage and hopelessness. I thought I was better, I thought I believed. I have crazy strong willpower—truly, I can push myself to endure anything if it means getting something I need or want. But I’m learning that brute force is no substitute for natural calm. There’s no willing your brain to relax and not feel traumatized. You can’t fake peace, and you can’t force it.
So here I am with my numb brain, just trying to take it a day at a time. I’m struggling. I’m surviving, and, all things considered, it could be worse. But I think we all know we’re on the crazy train to annihilation, and I just really need this thing to slow down so we can jump the hell off.
Thank God for books. I may be writing the dumbest reviews of my life, but I can still read. I reviewed fifteen books in September. Do we care about the crappy ones? Not really. So here are the books you should read if you get a chance. Click the title below the cover for my full review.
I’m sorry for complaining. Everyone is suffering right now, and the last thing the world needs is more negative energy. So I’ll end this on a more loving-ish note. This turmoil has taught me to see other people’s pain more clearly. I feel like my eyes have been opened when it comes to racial inequality, opened in a way that causes me such heartbreak. I can’t believe I’ve been blind for so long, both to the reality of their suffering and to the reality of my own ignorance. These are hard truths to come to terms with.
But the craziness has also highlighted for me all the people in my life who I love, who are stable and caring, who LOVE ME. I see who MY PEOPLE are more clearly than I ever have before in my life, and I’m grateful. I also know who I pretty much despise. (Sorry, but it’s the truth). And while there will be space for you in my life again when I’m stronger, right now I’m cutting you loose. No more debates. No more slinging insults. No more passive aggressive drama. No more making excuses for your incompetence. I’m shutting you out and shutting you down in order to save my own sanity. If you’re not helping to clean up the mess, then you’re just adding to the filth. I hear there’s a bleach treatment for that. Maybe you should drink it.